Appreciating Your Way to a Great Marriage!

Posted on March 27, 2013 by Jim
Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Image courtesy of photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

  • appreciation  [uh pree shee ey shun]
  • gratitude [grat i tood]
  • thankful [thangk ful l]

Unfortunately, we all know (and tend to avoid) people who are unappreciative. They are easily recognized by how they…

  • rarely say “thank you”
  • take others and what they do for granted
  • live with an attitude of entitlement
  • believe “I’m owed”

On the other hand, all of us are drawn to those who are in the habit of expressing gratitude! These are people who don’t live with an entitlement mentality or take others for granted.

Now, imagine being married to someone like that who is grateful for you! Someone who

  • constantly points out the positive contributions you bring to your marriage
  • praises you for your acts of service
  • recognizes your depth of care and expression of excellent character
  • sees the strengths and potential in you that you don’t
  • treasures you as God’s gift!

What marriage wouldn’t thrive with an appreciative partner like this? Why don’t you be that partner?

Start today by listing 5 reasons you appreciate your spouse. Most importantly, share that list with him/her.  Then watch your appreciation for one another grow!

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Beyond Ordinary: Book Review

Posted on January 25, 2013 by Jim

Justin and Trisha Davis have opened their lives and souls for us that we may benefit from the pain of their journey. In fact, their story is so compelling, so powerful, that you will be drawn in to the fabric of their lives. Though you may begin as a sideline observer, very soon after you pick up Beyond Ordinary you will experience a connection with Justin and Trisha that makes you think, ‘Wait! This is my story!’

Although the facts of Beyond Ordinary may not include the same details as your personal journey, Justin and Trisha’s exploration of the depths of their inner brokenness resonates with all of us. This is not simply the journey of two people in a marriage; it is the record of two broken souls finding wholeness in Christ, and healing in their marital relationship.

Every couple would do well to consider Beyond Ordinary as a must-read! This deep, gripping narrative is also a teaching tool we must all learn from!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Visit Justin and Trisha’s Refine Us website for more information and help for your marriage.

 

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Communication at its BEST!

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Jim

Everyone knows open communication is the key to a great marriage. And, everyone knows that sex is critical to an invigorating marriage. However, only smart couples know that openly communicating about sex is one of the best indicators of a great, invigorating marriage!

  • awkward
  • insecure
  • embarrassed
  • shy
  • inadequate
  • vulnerable
  • afraid

…these are just a few of the emotions we might experience when we start to open up about sex. Really—that’s the point isn’t it? Healthy marriages are developed by learning to talk about the difficult things in constructive, non-judgmental ways. When we can open up about our deepest feelings, we enter a new level of closeness.

How Do We Learn to Open Up Like That!?
Are you afraid to voice what you really think about sex—or other difficult issues? Are you afraid to hear what your partner might say about their deep issues and their responses to yours? The Bible indicates that “…perfect love casts out fear.” (I John 4:18) Being afraid to discuss things—and thereby creating a “don’t mention” category of topics is evidence of fear crippling our lives.

Face Your Fears
Though this step may be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done—it’s essential!

  • For some couples, counseling will be necessary.
  • For other couples, setting aside times of introspection and evaluation will be necessary.
  • For still others, taking the 7-Day Sex Challenge home-course will be necessary.

But for all couples—honesty and humility will be necessary!

The Real Deal is Intimacy
For many people, sex is a synonym for intimacy. In actual fact though, sex is like the tip of the intimacy iceberg! Following our metaphor, under the surface, the other types of intimacy: emotional, spiritual, and intellectual really define what the tip will look like!

Fantastic sex will be a natural consequence of developing intimacy through communication in all four areas! Yes, difficult conversations may make hard times, awkward times—but the payoff will be huge! With the openness and transparency that will develop, your marriage will go up to an entirely new level!

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Avoiding the Upcoming Marital Cliff! (post by Jim)

Posted on December 29, 2012 by Carrie

Image courtesy of Dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

US Republicans and Democrats are so at odds with each other that no one is willing to work together and avert the USA from plunging over the so-called, Fiscal Cliff.

Without delving into the quagmire of political opinion, let’s agree on one thing—pride and stubbornness on both sides of the political spectrum have a lot to do with the looming threat posed by the Fiscal Cliff.

In the same way, is your marriage facing a looming Marital Cliff?

When husbands and wives are unwilling to humble themselves and admit they are often wrong—there is a cliff awaiting their marriages that is totally avoidable! 

How do we avoid our Marital Cliffs? By working together!

Any couple that agrees to do whatever they need to do in order to get on track with God and with each other has done most of the hard work already!

Help is readily available!

May we suggest, taking our 7-day marriage course: we refer to it as the At Home-but Intense marriage fixer. Please check out our 7 Day-Sex Challenge.

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Better Sleep … Better Sex!

Posted on July 11, 2012 by Carrie

Recently, we experienced an extremely difficult three-week period as a result of Carrie’s acute insomnia. During this time, Carrie suffered from anxiety attacks, depression, negative thoughts, and feelings of hopelessness. It was terrible.

Then, after a change in medication, sleep returned and, within a few days, most of those terrible symptoms were gone–thank God!

Since that time, we’ve been making a concerted effort to get better sleep–and now without using any medication. Quality sleep has changed our lives!

Considering our little adventure with insomnia, we’ve started to better appreciate the simple things (those we easily take for granted) that can have huge effects on everything–including our sex lives!

Here’s a list of a few things that may seem small and, on their own, rather insignificant. We’d like to suggest, however, that small improvements in these areas may yield huge, positive results. Furthermore, improvement in all of these areas will guarantee significant dividends!

  • Quality sleep (8 hours)
  • Improved nutrition
  • Weight loss (if needed)
  • Regular aerobic exercise
  • Cultivating an attitude of gratefulness
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The Couple that Plays Together Stays Together

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Carrie

“The couple that plays together stays together.”
This proverb packs a lot of truth!

Playing and having fun together helps keep the friendship bond strong between a husband and wife. Life requires a couple to take on plenty of responsibilities: careers, scheduling, parenting, housework, finances, and more. Without times of playing together, couples may not be more than managers of their household and their friendship bond weakens.

What do you and your spouse do together for fun, leisure, and play? Every couple answers that differently according to their unique interests.  It’s important you find fun activities to share to remind you that you aren’t only business or parenting partners or household managers.  You are best friends! Sharing fun, playful times and laughing together helps keep your friendship healthy and strong!

Some couples enjoy playing sports together.  Others enjoy the arts.  Some enjoy leisurely walks through their city or local park. Others enjoy playing board games together.

Let me suggest a recreational activity that you may not have considered as playful.

Fun and laughter are healthy for your marriage!

  • Times of lovemaking are often very passionate and intense.
  • At other times, sex is gentle and sensual.
  • Consider though, that sexual intimacy can also be a time of fun and playfulness a couple enjoys together!

Every married couple needs to have regular times of playing, laughing, and having fun together during times of sexual intimacy.  Sex ought not to be sombre, dull, and boring.

If sex isn’t ever playful for you and your spouse, change something! Perhaps you need to consider a different location, position, or routine. Incorporate storytelling or role-playing to give your intimacy a playful spin. Don’t allow sex with your spouse to be “same old, same old” or just another chore on your “to do list”. Healthy sex often includes laughter and fun!

Playful sex between a husband and wife strengthens the friendship bond and ultimately strengthens the marriage!

Image: imagerymajestic / FreeDigitalPhotos.net


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Settling for a “Good Enough” Marriage?

Posted on February 4, 2012 by Carrie

Jim Collins, in his classic business/leadership book Good to Great, discusses the powerful concept of Level 5 Leaders.  Level 5 Leaders lead their lives and their businesses to great success.

Are you a Level 5 Leader in regards to your marriage?  That’s what it will take to move your marriage from good to great!

“If good is the enemy of great—and I believe it is—the current trends in leadership give the decided edge to the enemy.” ~Jim Collins

Let me challenge you to take on the Level 5 Leader qualities and you will see your marriage move from just “good enough” to absolutely great!

Level 5 leadership qualities and how they apply to our marriages:

  • embrace personal humility; defer to our spouse’s needs
  • strengthen the will; do the right thing no matter how hard it is!
  • are ambitious for the cause; do we make choices based on our own selfish wants or for the good of our marriage?
  • practice “the window and the mirror”;  give your spouse and others credit for successes (look out the window to see others) and be willing to take personal responsibility for failings (use the mirror to view yourself)
  • effectively inspire with integrity and hard work; be sincere and hard working in leading your marriage

Whew! Developing Level 5 Leadership Qualities is challenging, but that’s what it will take to have a Great Marriage!  Don’t settle for just a “good enough” marriage.  Commit yourself to leading your marriage and family to success!

Posted in Carrie's Posts, Marriage Improvement | 2 Comments

How Carrie & Jim Regained Sexual Intimacy After Her Aneurysm

Posted on January 21, 2012 by Carrie

Part 3 by Carrie

Four and a half months ago, I underwent a 7-hour brain surgery to repair a brain aneurysm.  I am thankful to God for the many healthcare professionals whose expertise helped me through the surgery and recovery.  God continues to pour out His grace in my life as I recover from the trauma of brain surgery.  At this time, I have no need for

Before and after photos of Carrie's recovery.

therapy of any kind. I only use medication to help me sleep.  I expect to have weaned myself off of the medication completely by Valentine’s Day!

During these past months, you can imagine what happened to what was previously a very healthy sexual relationship between Jim and I.  Though sex was “put on hold” during the critical time of my illness, we learned that sexual intimacy could be restored! As I think back over my recovery, I recognize there are keys to overcoming medical challenges and renewing sexual intimacy.  Here are tips to use when you are the spouse with an extended medical condition:

  • Be Proactive About Getting Well:  rest, take therapy, use prescribed medication properly, exercise, eat healthy in order to help your body recover and gain strength
  • Do What You Can to Stay Encouraged: pray, read books or listen to podcasts that are motivational and help you have a positive outlook, play music you enjoy and that gives you a sense of well-being
  • Be Cautious About What You Focus On: avoid feelings of self-pity; rather, become more sensitive to the needs of your spouse who is well
  • Be Intentional About Physical Affection: keep kissing, cuddle often, be creative in how you bring your spouse to orgasm if intercourse isn’t a viable option
  • Give Your Marriage the Best of You:  as your strength improves, make sexual intimacy a priority and use your energy for your marriage relationship; realize that shopping or doing housework may sap your energy leaving little strength for sex
  • Keep Saying “I love you”: your spouse is making sacrifices during the time you heal and recover; thank him/her for being understanding, for their support and the personal care they give you; those three little words are powerful in keeping the two of you connected emotionally!

Finally, during those times that do require abstinence from sex, it’s important to increase non-sexual touches and focus on deepening spiritual, intellectual, and emotional intimacy.

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Two Important Keys to Marital Intimacy During Extended Illness!

Posted on November 15, 2011 by Carrie

Part 2 by Carrie

How do a husband and wife keep their sexual relationship healthy during times of serious illness especially when the recovery takes time?  Here are two keys Jim and I have learned are very important!

1.  Regular Communication. Jim and I must be willing to talk about the impact my brain aneurysm is having on our sexual relationship. No doubt, both of us have thoughts about the changes to our sexual relationship, but it’s so important that we share those thoughts and feelings with one another. It would be totally detrimental to our relationship to avoid talking about our sexual intimacy and allow the topic to become the “white elephant in the room”.

It can be difficult sharing our feelings of disappointment, frustration, loneliness, rejection, and more with our spouse. But we owe it to one another to speak openly and honestly (with kindness!). Without open sharing, we run the risk of allowing misunderstandings to come between us.

Initiate conversations with your spouse on the subject of your sexual relationship regularly. Ask your spouse how he/she is feeling. Brainstorm together on ways to work through the challenges.

Ask God for help!

 2. Pray together. The challenges facing a husband and wife during times of serious illness are too difficult to assume that the couple can overcome them on their own. Invite God into the situation!

  • Thank God for the healing while asking for a complete recovery
  • Ask God to help draw the two of you closer despite the “hindrances” brought on by the medical condition
PS.  We’ll be sharing more tips in a future blog post!

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Marital Intimacy During Times of Serious Illness

Posted on November 5, 2011 by Carrie

Part 1 by Carrie

This past July 2011 Jim and I celebrated 29 wonderful years of marriage! Honestly, with each passing year, our relationship has grown deeper and more intimate! I feel cherished by Jim as he consistently expresses his sacrificial love for me. Jim would admit that our sexual intimacy has developed to a level that helps meet his need for physical touch and intimacy. Jim and I have already begun dreaming about our 30th anniversary in 2012 expecting that our love for each other will have blossomed more  than ever before!

2 days after Carrie's brain surgery

Fast forward two months to September 7, 2011
That day we were blindsided by a serious medical emergency. At 9 am that morning, without any warning, I collapsed due to severe brain haemorrhaging and, within 2 days, underwent a 7 hour brain surgery!

Following the surgery, I had a 3 week hospital stay at a hospital 2 hours from our home. I was grateful that Jim was able to spend a lot of time with me at the hospital, but our relationship had to take a major adjustment! We missed:

  • private conversations
  • laughing together
  • cuddling and having sex
  • sharing passionate kisses
  • and all the personal expressions of intimacy that we would normally share together

Was our marriage going to suffer because of my serious illness? No! Jim and I weren’t going to settle for that! How we prevented that from happening is what we want to share with you.

Challenges: The doctors told me not to expect to go back to work for 3 months. I should expect to be fatigued and need daily naps to help regain my strength. How were Jim and I to begin the road back to the level of marital intimacy we enjoyed just 2 months prior? The fact was that my recovery was going to take time. Even now, the incision on my head is still sensitive. I am cautious whenever I move my head and neck. I don’t have the strength and stamina I used to have.

Jim and I will be sharing a few keys that we have and are learning on this difficult journey we’ve just embarked on 2 months ago. Of course, we hope you’ll never go through an experience like ours nor need to use the advice we will be sharing!

It is important for couples to be prepared for the difficult times of life. Unfortunately, many couples face serious illness or some other tragedy without being equipped to navigate the difficulty together without their marriage becoming a casualty through it all.

Watch for practical tips in our next article! (If you know of a couple facing physical difficulties, please share these articles with them!)

Posted in Carrie's Posts, Marriage Improvement | 2 Comments